And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
