You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
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