i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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