have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
