My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Randomize
