Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
You left your phone here
Wait...
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