Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
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