I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
Randomize
