just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
I think your dad took our porno
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
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