Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Randomize
