yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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