i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
Randomize
