I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
