I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Randomize
