And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize