They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
The beers last night were like the tears from god
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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