i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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