The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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