Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
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