my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Randomize
