You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
There's even glitter on my cock...
Randomize
