The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
