Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
