Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
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