i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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