Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
