why didn't you poke me back
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
