im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
I'm on page 4.
Im on beer infinity
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
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