Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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