i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
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