Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize