I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
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