3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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