I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize