Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
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