it hurts more in the daytime
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
