if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
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