I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Randomize
