Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
Randomize
