Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
