the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
I don't think brook has ever known best
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
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