last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
