Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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