I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Randomize