the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Randomize
