I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Randomize
