I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
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