I just cut my nipple shaving
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
Also, any YOLOwl-related sex photos will result in you winning ten orgasms, courtesy of myself, as well as sweets and bacon-based dinner. All entrants welcome
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Randomize
