I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
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