I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
How does one acquire holy water?
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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