Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Randomize
