I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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