Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
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