he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
Randomize
