im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize