don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
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