it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
the guy next to me needed a pen, so I let him take one from my book bag. my panties are now being passed around the class...thank you for telling me you hid them in my bookbag.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
