dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
